My Epiphany

All my life, even as a child, I dreamed of love. I hoped for a love that would inspire sonnets and song. I wished for a love that would last throughout the ages. I prayed for a love that would defy all the rules and last from this life to the next and the next…

I have watched my friends live their lives with their partners and I have almost always been the third wheel. For a person that has thought of nothing but love all her life, you can imagine how painful, frustrating and deflating that can be.

I watched all three of my close high school friends get married and each time, I felt left behind. I wondered when it would be my turn and in my sadness, I was unable to truly be happy for my friends. I wondered why it wasn’t me.

Later on in life it kept on happening that way. I would think a single guy was cute but he would get snatched up by someone else and again I wondered why not me. When another friend from work announced her engagement, I went to the bathroom and cried. Why wasn’t it me? Why was I always being left behind?

I also began to make excuses. There were more women than men in my city. If I saw a man I thought was cute, I would immediately say to myself that he wouldn’t like me because I’m not thin. It even got so bad that when walking down the street I would seek any kind of attention from a guy. Inwardly, of course, I wouldn’t have flashed him or said anything to him. But I would quietly hope he would look at me. None of them ever did. And then that escalated to situations where another woman would be on the sidewalk and he would look at her and not me and the inner dialogue would start up. Of course he’d look at her, she’s skinny, pretty, blonde, she has nothing wrong with her. Needless to say, it got me down.

It was then that I decided to announce to my friends that I was going to remain single for the rest of my life. I had a vision of me retired and living in a cottage with lots of pets and it seemed pretty lovely. I could be one of those old Witches that lived in nature and had loving pets as companions instead of a human companion.

It was shortly after that I met the love of my life. I call him that because as of today, he still is. But as you may have gathered from my other writings, it did not work out. So I went back to my old self, asking why? Why didn’t he stay? Why wasn’t love enough? Why? Why? Why?

Enough!!! Goddess! Shelley, just STOP!

It took me a long time but after quite a lot of reflection and really asking why in a constructive way, I finally figured out why it was that I hadn’t found and kept a true love, the kind of love I have been looking for all my life.

The answer is, in a nutshell… Gratitude. Rather, the lack thereof.

All these years I felt bad for myself, resentful towards my friends in relationships and the men that always said “I just want to be friends.” It never really occurred to me that I have to love the love I do have. To be grateful for the love my friends and family have for me. I spent some non committed time with a lovely man that thought I was beautiful just the way I was. I fell in love with a man that loved me just the way I was and actually thought of me as tiny. He always told me my body was beautiful and afterwards, when I began to realize what my internal dialogue was, I realized that yes, there are men out there that love curves. I remembered hearing that I was beautiful. I remember being comfortable with these two men and I remembered how great it felt.

It’s funny how we condition ourselves to remember, believe and listen to the negative. It’s absolutely amazing when you realize what your internal dialogue is and that there is evidence on the contrary.

I recall the day clearly when I realized what I was saying. I was on the corner of a busy downtown street and the sun was shining. I was feeling happy until I saw a really cute guy walking towards me. Right away I thought, “Oh! He’s cute. But he wouldn’t like me because I’m not skinny.”

I stopped dead in my tracks as I truly, consciously heard for the first time, what I just said to myself. And instantly another voice was saying, “How the hell do you know what he likes and doesn’t like? Aren’t you always getting cranky when people think they know what you’re thinking and it turns out they are way off?”

Wow, so that’s what an epiphany feels like! Okay, I can deal with this. It isn’t so bad.

So I set to work. I thought back on all those times I felt resentful, asked why not me and actually cried in sadness and frustration when I found out my friend was engaged to be married to a great guy. It was tough to look back and see how self centered it all was. How juvenile and destructive my feelings were.

Today, I am very conscious of my inner dialogue. I am very conscious of the here and now and I find my old thoughts creeping in and a new, stronger and much louder voice state, “No judgment.”

It is true, I have been feeling much more grateful for the love I have long before I realized why it was that a girl that has dreamed all her life about love has never truly kept it.

Being grateful has snow balled into being kinder to myself, learning why and turning that all around. It is true, I have not yet found love, but I know I am closer to it than I ever have been in all my life.

I am happy that my friends have love in their lives. I feel gratitude when I see a couple walking hand in hand and I say, “I want that too and I am so grateful that they have it now.”

Instead of thinking a cute boy wouldn’t like me, I simply put a smile on my face regardless of whether or not he looks to see it. He is cute and seeing a cute boy makes me happy.

So with all that said, I am ready. My walls are down, my prayers are full of love for me as well as love for all and I am happier than I have ever been. The gremlins in my head are now shy instead of bold and when they do say something, they cower when I tell them… No Judgment!

Be grateful now. Be thankful now. Feel good now. And be in the here and now, always.  

Love and Blessings to you all.